If Carlton Functioned Like a Corporate Workplace...

Here's a list of ways Carlton would have to change if the boys were really determined to be 'professionals'. Given I realise that the Plastic Lines readership may not have a high correlation with the football-supporting public, let me explain two things:

- Chris Judd is the captain; and

- Brett Rattan is the coach.

Here we go:

1. Chris Judd wouldn't run for the ball
Judd would reason that he had done all the work getting himself the captaincy. It's no longer his job to get contested possessions. In fact, contested possessions are beneath him and it would be unbecoming for him to attempt to get them. Further, he would often leave the ground at three quarter time. After all, he only moved from West Coast to Carlton so he didn't have to work so hard and could spend more time wit his family, it would be unreasonable to expect him to stay back with the others.

2. Runners would all be young women
All the senior players would have dedicated runners to bring them water and pat the sweat off their brows. Despite the fact that sex discrimination no longer exists in the workplace, all of these runners would be young, female and attractive, except for the occasional one who would be a bit older. The older runners would usually work for more arrogant players, who were more likely to need someone to speak them in a mothering tone. Given that this is now a 'professional' sport, these runners would now be called 'Executive Assistants'.

3. Players would play two games a week
Yes, I understand their contracts only say one game per week, but they should have understood that they are obligated to perform additional duties over and above what's in their contracts.

4. Move Over Betts, Yarran and Garlett
Betts, Yarran and Garlett wouldn't be up at the forward line. The notion of this row of small forward runs completely counter the notion of running a professional organisation. There would now be three key criteria for obtaining these types of key positions; you'd need to be tall, white and have attended a private school, preferably in Melbourne.

5. Recruitment would be based on TAC Cup performances
Rather than look at players recent performances, skills and potential, selectors would base recruitment on how many goals each player was able to kick during their final TAC Cup (under 18s) game. This is based on the well founded logic that looking at a single number that someone was able to achieve at the age of around 18 is the best way of defining their lifetime capabilities.

6. Chris Judd and Ben Cousins would still catch up

Not because they liked each other. Just because they worked together once, are still in the same industry and, you know, it's hard to tell when keeping in touch with someone like that may come in handy.

7. No quarter time or half time huddles
Brett Rattan would have far more important things to do than speak to players. At three quarter time they would all gather in a huddle and wait for him. Just before the siren to go back on, he would stick his head around a corner and say "by the way boys, I expect you to score 15 goals in this quarter". If the team failed to comply, it would be their own fault.